I am currently in a very dark place and I don’t know how to get through it. I have such a GREAT life. My parents are pretty cool and love me, I have an older sister and we we are close, and I have a two year old niece who is the apple of my eye. I also have a partner that I’ve been with for four years.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling this way when I have SO much. Perhaps, life is catching up to me and the trauma’s I experienced is finally creeping into my subconscious. I feel the darkness pulling me under everyday and I have NO idea which way up is anymore. I feel trapped, restless, scared, lonely, alone, worthless, ugly, a bad person, and unimportant. I feel that my education was useless because I’m not using my degree and that disappoints my parents, even though they tell me they’re not.
I feel like I’m drowning and no matter how hard I try to swim to the top, something is gripping my feet, preventing me from swimming. This hold is so strong that it scares me. It makes me think that I’ll never be able to swim to the top and breathe.
I’ve also been having night terrors. I wake up drenched in sweat, screaming, and crying. Thank goodness my niece is a heavy sleeper. I’ve tried sleeping on the floor of my parents room to see if the night terrors will stop, but that doesn’t work either. If I don’t have night terrors, I have nightmares, which are just as bad.
I started seeing a therapist and she’s is AMAZING, but I’ve only had two sessions with her, so we haven’t gotten into the really messy stuff yet. I also have a psychiatrist and am on medication. They help most of the time, but it doesn’t prevent my night terrors.
I feel guilty because my parents are really worried about me and are constantly checking in on me. They try their hardest to cheer me up and put a smile on my face. I barely smile. I’ve been told by many people to smile because I look like a bitch and angry all the time. I haven’t genuinely smiled in a LONG time. It’s as if my face muscles and nerves forgot how to smile. I cannot remember the last time I had a good laugh, either. My parents try to make me laugh, too, but it never works.
I just cannot seem to be happy with myself and accept who I am. I feel I have to change, but I don’t know how or where to start. But, the question is, do I need to change or just find the light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever go back to being truly happy, feel worthy, be able to laugh from my belly, smile again, and live life to the fullest? Will I ever be independent and not rely on others for everything?
I had such a bright future and I was on the path to accomplishing it, then suddenly, out of nowhere, I lost sight of it all. I have NO idea how to get back on the path. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t even know if I still want the same things for myself and my life. I’m so lost and such a mess.
Someone please help.