I Left It On Your Voicemail

We were together for five years. I thought you were the person I was going to grow old with. Only, about a month and a half ago, that all changed. YOU changed. You stopped treating me well. I probably should not broken up with you over voicemail, but I had no other choice. Your silence says a million things. At first, I thought it was because you did not care any longer and you were too busy with work, home life, and out partying with your friends, happy that you were rid of me. Now, I realize that I was wrong. You’re hurting. You’re heartbroken. You’re shocked. You’re confused. You’re lost. You’re sad. You’re miserable. You’re sorry. You’re regretting things. You were never good at communicating your feelings and the quiet one, so I know that’s a big part of it, too. Surprisingly, I have not cried once since I broke up with you. I have not lost any sleep. I have not felt any heartbreak. I, am, however, hurt, and I miss you. Although, I find ways to distract myself from letting the hurt and missing you reach to a point where I break down. I REFUSE to. I did my best. I tried. Except, you made me feel like I was not enough, “too much”, a burden, an inconvenience, helpless, hopeless, guilty, unworthy, rejected, unloved, and unwanted. At first, I let all of that get to me and I was unable to do anything except let it get me down. Then, somehow, somewhere, I found the strength and light to let it all go and pick myself back up. I kept going, as if, nothing was wrong, and kept reminding myself that I can do this. That I am NOT any of those things you made me feel. That I’m NOT a bad person. I have not apologized and I am not going to. There is no reason. YOU were the asshole. YOU were the wrong one. YOU were the one who let it all fall apart and did absolutely NOTHING. YOU took advantage of me. YOU screwed with me. YOU did this. NOT me. If anything, YOU should be the one apologizing.

I did not explain to you why I broke up with you. I am not going to. You do not deserve it. Besides, if you really think about it and look back to the last month and a half, you should know why and find your answers there. Despite it all, I have not and will not be the first to break the silence. I still have that much sympathy, tact, and understanding. Also, I know that is what you’re expecting and want. Well, FUCK THAT. I am NO longer going to play that role. I AM DONE.

You thought you had it in the bag. You figured since it’s been five years and I was holding on and trying that we would never break up. Well, you thought wrong. You’re a creature of habit, so I know exactly what you’re up to. Now, though, I know you’re drinking has increased because you’re unable to sleep so easily since I am no longer in your life. I know you wake up in the middle of the night, randomly, all alone, in the dark, or unable to sleep at all, feeling the pain of losing that one person you never thought you’d lose. You’re also soft, so I know it’s hitting you extremely hard.

I also know you’re angry at me. You’re wondering how could I just break up with you over voicemail, without explaining why? You’re wondering how could I just dump you after everything you did for me and all that we went through? You’re wondering how did I come to decide to break up with you after being the one who tried so hard to work it out? You’re wondering why did I not wait and hold on just a little bit longer because, eventually, you were going to work things out with me? You’re wondering why did I give up and just let go? Well, you can wonder all of that and more. I do hope, that, one day, you are able to look at it from all angles, and realize that I stood up for myself. I kept silent for so long and bit my tongue and gave you space, regardless how hard it was for me and how much it hurt. I was no longer in that space or state of mind. I hope you realize that and understand.

For the first time, I rejected YOU. I chose MYSELF over YOU. I let myself take care of myself. I entrusted my heart and mind to be strong enough to let go. Once you see that and realize that, you’ll be okay, too.

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